You know what it is, it’s that the first three years of this show it was kids metaphorically acting like adults. A fantasy parallel world where Blair wasn’t really the Queen of New York and she didn’t really “banish” Princess Jenny, we just pretended those things were true; where Serena’s social climbing was about being on the arm of similarly diaphanous It Boys, not marrying actual pharmaceutical CEOs. You could then look at the second half of this show as being a concentrated effort to play out those exact same stories, but in real life: Basically, taking the entire cool part out and just watching children actually act like adults, in a boring adult world.
Like okay: If Jenny were still on the show now, she would actually be married to an actual gay guy who would actually be having an affair with Eric. You know? Totally different dynamic. (That is a bad example because that sounds fucking fantastic, but you see what I mean. Make a fake Queen into a real Princess, and there’s no place for anything but what you’re looking at.)
- Jacob Clifton, Gossip Girl 6-5 “Monstrous Ball” Recap
So it’s been four months and suddenly everybody on the show realizes that Serena is missing. Like they actually, I’m not exaggerating, they actually have conversations about, “Did she really just slip our minds for four entire months? That is so Serena.” Which, to be fair.
- Jacob Clifton, Gossip Girl 6-1 “Gone Maybe Gone”
Serena van der Woodsen
After realizing that all of her friends were going to go out and get jobs and have actual, grown-up-people lives, Serena van der Woodsen decided to put her only skills to good use and called up a soon-to-be-retired Diana Payne for a job in her “escort” service. After Serena blackmailed her with photos of Diana’s dozens of trysts with much younger men, Diana was forced to hand her title of Head Madam to Serena. Now, Serena spends her time blackmailing wealthy businessmen and politicians for their use of her services. She is having so much fun that she forgets why she ever made an attempt at being a good person all those years ago.
Read more: Gossip Girl: We Predict Each Character’s Post-Series Future
"Who is the Ittest in all the land?" asks the witch, Serena, and begins to shrivel and wrinkle and age as the face, turned up to her, cracks a grin and speaks and then is gone:
Though we’re all wet in our underwear, at some point along the path
What’s hard-won’s least loved in an aging queen’s wrath
Betake you from your best friend’s house
They loved you then, but don’t love you now
The web you’ve spun now ill tidings bodes
For your relevance is threatened by Miss Lola Rhodes.
- Jacob Clifton, Gossip Girl 5-20 “Salon of the Dead” Recap
Serena: “I know this might be hard, but I’m going to stay on you until I get what I want. Blair, for the first time since you almost died months ago and lost your damn mind, I’m going to ask you to tell me what is going on.”
Blair: “Okay, well, I thought Chuck was going to die because he was in a coma, so I just completely ignored the unimportant fact that I had miscarried — since that has zero effect on a woman, physically speaking — and dragged my ass to the hospital chapel to make a solemn vow that I would marry Louis and never sleep with Chuck again if he would just wake up.”
Serena: “That is severely fucked up, but do go on. What happened next?”
Blair: “He woke up. Like right then. So I went to his hospital room and apologized for breaking up with him, and I’ve been going slowly insane ever since.”
- Jacob Clifton,Gossip Girl 5-9 “The End of the Affair?” Recap