This show seems to have confused Ted and Barney and would suddenly like us to believe that Ted’s been a player this whole time.
In the worst bit of retconning this show has ever tried to pull, Ted would like us to believe that before Jeannette, Ted Mosby was a player who enjoyed carousing and dating women and hadn’t ever considered settling down before. Umm… what about the time he was nearly married? Or when he told Robin he loved her on their first date? Or how he’s always talking about wanting to meet his wife? This lunatic destroying his stuff is far from the reason Ted decides to get serious with someone. My guess is the next woman he dates (who is supposedly the mother) is more dumb luck than anything else. If I were his kids listening to this, I’d throw up my hands, shout “bullshit” and storm out of the room. Then again, those kids are probably away at college by now as this story has been going on for eight years, so they likely left the room some time ago and self-involved Ted didn’t bother noticing.
So Ted’s enormous apartment has been turned into a man cave of sorts by Barney and Marshall who keep a ton of shit there and like to hang out and play video games. This place is also really ridiculously large. There’s a room downstairs that Ted gets changed in and we see that up those metal stairs there are doors for three more rooms, including one for a bedroom that is large enough to hold a big bed with room to walk around. Isn’t he just a part-time architecture professor when the mood strikes him? Wasn’t he just unemployed and offering to be a nanny for Marvin? Does this show not care that an apartment like that in Manhattan would cost like five grand a month?
Anyway, he tries to ditch Jeanette because she’s fifty shades of crazy, but she’s also really hot. And after he tries to dump her at the Barclays Center during a Nets game, she comes to his apartment and manages to get pack the lame defense system of a disinterested Marshall and Barney and barricades herself in his bedroom, which is naturally stocked with every survivalist supply you could need in the wake of superstorm Sandy. See, the show makes such an effort to make topical — like the timely references to the newly opened Barclays Center and Sandy — but then it gives him this oversized apartment? It doesn’t make sense. I know, I need to just let it go, but if we’re stuck with this nonsense for another year and a half, I’m not willing to just overlook everything.
The problem with Jeanette — aside from the fact that she’s a cop — is that Ted can’t resist her brand of crazy hot, even though his friends tell her she’s cuckoo (with an actual cuckoo clock as a prop). And even though he putts on a Boba Fett costume to forcibly evict her, when she dons his red boots, he’s a goner. And finally Lily (who Jeanette is convinced that Ted is in love with) tells him he just needs to get the crazy out of his system by full on dating this whack-job.
In other people’s lives, Marshall and Barney play video games and eat a lot. And apparently Robin is afraid to hold Marvin for fear that she’ll drop him, and he’s eight months old at this point. So when she’s left alone with him while Lily runs after a missing pacifier on a bus, she ends up letting some strange old lady hold him. Or so she tells Lily four years later. But then the story keeps unfolding over many future flashbacks, in which Robin and Lily don’t change their physical appearances aside from their hair (even though the last one is 17 years ahead) , but alter their voices so they sound like rich ladies of leisure. Turns out, after all is said and done, that in the two minutes Lily was gone, Robin let Mike Tyson hold Marvin, then she pushed Marvin’s stroller into oncoming traffic and took Marvin to a strip club where she left him alone with future Senator Tyson. Long way to go for the Senator Mike Tyson joke. Eventually, Robin distractedly gets handed Marvin and realizes she loves snuggling him and doesn’t want to let him go, which is nice since his parents largely ignore him.
— Angel Cohn
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